Rationing Emotions

I wish someone came up with a life manual so I'd know if I'm living right. Sometimes, I feel that instead of actually living my life, I'm watching myself live it and I keep tabs on my rights and wrongs. Does that make any sense? It's as if I'm apart from myself and the public self is just some sort of separate entity that I try to mold and remold, not knowing its (my) real identity.

Anyway, that Jack Nicholson flick, As good as it gets, has always bothered me. Is this really as good as it gets? That you just shrug off your lofty ideals and be immersed in the nitty, gritty, this-was-not-what-I-expected life? How do you know if there's something better out there or this is as good as it gets?

I am walking on a bridge

And I am over the water

And I'm scared as hell

But I know there's something better

- Me by Paula Cole

I remember when I submitted my final Philo paper in college. The professor (who was a priest, I forgot his name) commented on my paper, "Nararamdaman ko na hinahanap mo ang balanse sa pagitan ng idealismo at realismo. Mahalaga ito!" Well, I don't know if I've found that delicate balance. Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of it, but mostly, it's still a struggle.

I don't want to get too deep here, but it's all been bothering me lately.