Carpe Diem and all that

I CANNOT believe I'm working in TV again. I mean it's just a freelance project but still. I took on the position of E.P. and that doesn't make it feel like it's freelance.

Let me rephrase my first sentence. I CANNOT believe I said yes to being an E.P. again. Haven't I had enough? For more than a year in my former job, I've endured marketing meetings, production birth pains, leading the team (which only involved one-- well, okay two, counting the host) and management stuff. But here I am, doing the same things all over--which makes me wonder if I'm either desperate or I just have a short-term memory.

Half the time, I feel like I'm pretending to know what I'm doing. And more than once, I've almost sent a text to G saying that I feel that I'm not up to it. But I don't want to let her down. I know I shouldn't stay just because I don't want to disappoint other people, but I feel that I have to go through this to maybe boost my confidence or to maybe make money.

M and I were chatting via YM yesterday and she said her company offered her to be the Editor-in-Chief of another mag. She turned it down because she didn't feel ready (although I think we both know she is). I told her my dilemma and she said, "I think we just don't want the responsibility." I asked her, "So when do we take on these things?" And she answered, "I plan to do that when I'm 30."

I feel like I'm in a tasking relationship. Everyday, I make a decision to stay. After all, it's not a lifetime of work; it's just for 13 episodes. But there are times when I just want to throw my duties out of the window. I guess for now, I can say I'll stay. For the show, for myself, for my goals. And there's the contract which I've almost signed.